


You Light Up Another Cigarette And I Pour The Wine

by skylark3



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hexanna, More angst than fluff to be fair, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-24 00:54:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16629779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skylark3/pseuds/skylark3
Summary: It's the eve of Roxanna and David's wedding but there are things that still need to be said.





	1. You look like you're in another world but I can read your mind

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this with the Beverley Craven song Promise Me in mind. A bit cheesy I know but a song full of angst so just right for Henrik and Roxanna. It will become more apparent in Chapter 2. The link is here if you want to listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmTBKbyaEjU

It was the eve of Roxanna’s wedding to David. They’d asked that Henrik and John join them for a quiet drink in the pub in her village; the wedding was due to take place the next day at the local church. Roxanna was staying at home that night and David was staying with his family at a nearby B & B. Henrik had booked two rooms for him and John at a hotel in the next village. John has muttered something about money and Henrik said he would foot the bill. 

At around ten Roxanna had declared that it was time to leave insisting that she needed her beauty sleep before the big day tomorrow. David and John playfully commented that she couldn’t possibly get any more beautiful which had elicited an embarrassed smile from her; she pecked their cheeks excitedly. 

Henrik, watching from a distance had seen enough. “Hurry up John,” he said curtly, stubbing his cigarette out in the ash tray and draining his glass. Standing he put his coat on and walked off without saying a goodbye. John trailed after him giving an apologetic shrug to Roxanna and David. 

Roxanna felt a pang of sadness in her stomach as she watched them leave. Ever since they had announced the news they were getting married there had been a frostiness in Henrik’s manner towards her. He had started smoking again as well; tonight there was barely a minute when he didn’t have a cigarette in his hand. John had said that Henrik was drinking more these days too. 

She and David discussed this as he walked her back home. She had explained to him about Henrik’s difficulties with depression and they had agreed that this was probably another bout of the illness rearing its ugly head. When they reached Roxanna’s home David had kissed her tenderly before leaving her on the door step and heading to his own lodgings. 

Roxanna shut the front door and slumped down on the bottom step of the staircase to take off her Dr Marten boots. Who was she kidding? She knew what was wrong with Henrik. She’d been economical with the truth to David about Henrik. He probably was experiencing a bout of depression again but she had this underlying feeling that she and her impending marriage might have something to do with his current state. 

Before David had come along she and Henrik were so close. John was included too, but there was something even more special about her relationship with Henrik. There was an unidentifiable link between them: they laughed at the same jokes, enjoyed the same things, they seemed to anticipate what each other was thinking and sometimes would blurt out the same comment in unison, marvelling at how in sync they were with each other. 

They had this connection that she had never felt with anyone before and in the back of her mind she had wondered if it could lead to something more. It had culminated on the night they had broken into the library; he had been so physically close to her she could feel his breath on her skin, his hand had brushed against her when he handed her the books and they had shared this look with each other. There was no need for words. The look had said everything. She thought he was going to kiss her for a moment but then Henrik had pulled away from her, as if a switch had been flicked off in his head. From that night on their relationship had never been the same again. He spent less and less time with her and lavished more time and attention on John. She was jealous but too stubborn to do anything about it. 

But then John had introduced her to David. He was like a whirlwind wrapping her up in a world of affection and fun that she hadn’t even realised she needed. He had distracted her attention from the dark recesses of the lab and showed her a world of brightness and colour she had forgotten existed. He was so tactile with her, so physically affectionate; they had made love very early on and she had really felt that she was loved. He would take her away from the campus at weekends in his battered truck and they would hike and camp. He was so full of fervour for life, she found it so intoxicating that it wasn’t long before she had agreed to become his wife. After the darkness of her mother’s situation the light that came from David was like a breath of fresh air and the dampness of the lab, the melancholy that surrounded it was becoming a distant memory. 

But there was always Henrik. He always prickled her thoughts. When she saw him around campus she always experienced the same pang in her stomach. She couldn’t explain what it was or what it was borne out of; desire, love, guilt, regret? Who knew? But it was always the same. She would blush if he spoke to her, not that he spoke to her much these days anyway. They both had tried to stay clear of one another, averting their eyes when passing. But David and John were good friends and would initiate get togethers for the four of them; David had dubbed them his “squad”, his “musketeers” so it was difficult not to spend time with each other. 

Even tonight when he arrived at the pub she had felt that familiar feeling in her stomach. As she stood next to him at the bar she could smell him, always cedar wood now mixed with tobacco. She’d gone to pay for the drinks but he had gently pushed her hand away and insisted that he pay; the touch of his flesh on hers had sent a shiver through her body and she quickly uttered a “thanks” and rushed away from him over to the table and placed her hand on David’s knee. She was flustered and remained so for most of the night; she was always like that around Henrik. 

Now here she was sat on the stairs in her parent’s home, her boots still on. Due to marry David in less than twenty-four hours but her thoughts full of Henrik. Her father was asleep in bed and her mother, well, she would have loved for her mother to come downstairs and ask her what was wrong, to give her a hug and tell her what to do but that was never going to happen. 

She let out a breath and looked at the front door. Then in a split second she made the decision. She got up and called a taxi.


	2. How can you be so far away, lying by my side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxanna confronts Henrik. Will they eventually speak the truth about what's really going on between them?

She stood in front of his hotel door shaking with trepidation. She didn’t know why she was here or what she was expecting to happen she’d just had this overwhelming need to be with him.  To be in his presence. 

 She knocked lightly on the door and waited. Then she waited some more.  Maybe he was already asleep.  

 She knocked one last time telling herself that if he didn’t answer she would turn around, go home and put these stupid thoughts about Henrik right out of her head.

 Already resigning herself to this she turned to walk away.  But just as she did the door flung open.  Henrik’s irritated voice filled the corridor.

 "John, I’ve told you I’m fine....." he trailed off when he saw her, her head snapping sideways, eyes flashing him a startled look as if he’d caught her up to no good.

 "Roxanna?" He uttered.

 “I….,” she stuttered back. 

He opened the door wider and stepped aside to allow her access to the room.  Shyly, she brushed past him. The room was foggy with smoke and dimly lit, the curtains drawn.  She stood in the entrance area unsure what to do with herself.  Walking past her he went through to the bathroom returning moments later with a clean glass and handed it to her.  Without a word he slid to the floor in front of the bed where he seemed to have camped out; cigarettes, his antique silver lighter, ashtray, bottle of red wine and a half empty glass surrounding him.  Nonchalantly he lit a cigarette and inhaled the smoke. 

 Taking in the scene in front of her she slipped her boots off and sat down on the carpet next to him.  She picked up the bottle and filled both of their glasses.  She watched him as he took a gulp of the wine, then drew in another mouthful of smoke hardly seeming to register her presence. 

 Reaching over she took the cigarette from his hand, lifted it to her own mouth and took in a deep breath.

That had caught his attention:  "Roxanna, you don’t smoke!"

"Well, sometimes I like to do things that are bad for me," she quipped, taking a sip of her drink.  

 He shook his head half disdain, half amusement and lit another for himself.  There was silence now until he broke it.  Turning to look at her, "Why are you here Roxanna?"

 “I don’t know Henrik.  I just wanted to see you I suppose. ” She took a sip of her wine.

“What’s going on with us Henrik?”

He took a drag of his cigarette.  "Nothing is going on Roxanna.  Tomorrow is your wedding day and you are going to make the most beautiful bride."

She lent her head on his shoulder. “I’m in love with you Henrik."

The words hung in the air.  She felt his body relax against hers as he let out a breath.  After a moment he took hold of her hand, lifted it to his mouth and kissed it, her skin tingling at his touch. 

"I’ve been in love with you Roxanna since the first moment I set eyes on you.”

Her heart skipped a beat in anticipation. 

He let go of her hand.  “But I can’t love you.  I haven't got the ability to love you.  Not like you need to be loved.  David has that ability and tomorrow you will marry him."

He might as well have just thumped her in the stomach.  A tear escaped down her cheek.

_You’re breaking my heart Henrik._

She lifted her head from his shoulder and took a deep drag on the cigarette and stubbed it out in the ashtray.   Then she lifted her glass and gulped down the contents.  She willed herself to be strong, to be composed.   She turned to him and looked him in the eye.  

"Henrik, I understand.  I do."

_No I don’t.  I love you! It was meant to be you and me._

She reached her hand to his face and touched his cheek, then pulling herself up she kissed him fully on the lips. His lips were dry and stained with the wine. He tasted of red wine too and tobacco.  She had never tasted anything so delicious.  She felt his hot breath on her lips and he let out a gasp pulling away from her.

"Roxanna what are you doing?" 

Her hand was still on his face and she rubbed her thumb across the faint layer of stubble that was starting to form.  Their foreheads rested against each other, eyes locked together.

"Just for tonight Henrik." She whispered into his mouth. "Tomorrow I’ll be with David and this will never happen again."

She moved in to kiss him again but before she reached him his lips were already upon hers. His hands were around her face now, drawing her in closer.  He was ferocious and tender all at once.  His teeth caught her bottom lip and she thought she could taste blood. She didn’t care she just moved in with equal vigour and plunged her tongue into his mouth.  His tongue found hers and they licked one another, saliva mixing together. 

His hands found the bottom of her jumper and he pulled it over her head, his kisses making their way down her neck towards her breasts. She fumbled for the buttons on his shirt but soon abandoned the idea of undoing them all and lifted it over his head instead.

Now he laid her down on the floor and unzipped her jeans. He bent down to kiss the part of her stomach just above her panties and she groaned as he hit a weak spot.  She shimmied her hips as he pulled the jeans from her and then returned to her and pushed his hand inside her panties. She arched her back in delight as his fingers slipped around the wetness between her legs.

He was kissing her breasts again now and she sat up to reach for his trousers and undid them.  Once they were off she pushed him to the floor, straddling him and rising above him to allow him to enter her. They fitted together so perfectly she thought, as she relished the feeling of him inside her. Rising up and down above him, his hands on her waist, their eyes fixed on each other.   In that moment she felt they had been made for one another.   

He rolled her on to her back again so he was now above her and she tightened her legs around his back. His large hands were all over her as was his mouth, softly biting into her flesh, sucking her nipples; he was breathing her in. Her hands clung on to his back, nails digging into his skin.

It was different from making love with David. With David it was relaxed; all laughing and joking, messing around and non-stop banter.  Not with Henrik.  Henrik meant business. There was no talking, just hands, flesh, hair and saliva.  It was raw, primeval even. He was ravishing her and she loved it.   

She could feel herself coming, like a wave crashing over her and she fought against it, she didn’t want this to end. She ground her hips into the floor and pushed his chest away from her to try and slow things down but his weight was too much for her. It was too late, she was drowning in him, in his touch, in his smell and she didn’t want to be anywhere else ever again.  

They came together and she rubbed away her tears in his thick black curls as he fell on top of her, their sweaty bodies sticking together. 

****

Later on she was woken by Henrik's fingers stroking her back.  They were still on the floor. She must have fallen asleep in his arms as her head was resting on his chest and her arm was wrapped around his waist.  The blanket had been pulled from the bed and they were now wrapped in it. 

She glanced up at him, there was a blankness to his face as he stared at the ceiling; he looked like he was so far away. 

_Stay with me Henrik._

"What time is it?" She asked.

His attention returned and he glanced at the watch on his wrist. "It’s just after four."

 She let out a deep breath and he felt her body grow heavier as if she was trying to embed herself further into him.  She nuzzled into his chest leaving a trail of gentle kisses across it.   


"You need to go Roxanna," he whispered and her heart sank.

_No! I am where I want to be. You should be telling me to stay, not sending me away._

 "Yes, I should go." She wasn’t going to beg.  

She pulled away from him and fumbled in the early morning light to retrieve her clothes, careful not to knock over the wine bottle and ashtray that was still on the floor.

 He sat up and reached for his cigarettes and lit one.  She turned to him, "you should really stop that you know."

_Do what you want Henrik! I don’t want to care about you anymore._

He nodded. "I know". He sighed, stubbing out the cigarette in the ashtray and standing up to collect his own clothes, pulling on his trousers and shirt.

They stood in front of each other, looking into each other’s eyes. They both knew they were thinking the same thing; this had been their moment. It wouldn't happen again.

"Roxanna." "Henrik." The words had left their lips at the same moment.  

In unison they continued, "I will always be in love with you." They smiled at their cohesion, but their eyes couldn't and wouldn't disguise the sadness. 

"In another life Roxanna, I’ll love you the way you need me to love you." 

_No, not in another life! Now! I want you to fight for me._

 "In another life Henrik, I’ll wait for you."

_I’ll wait for you in this life. When you are ready seek me out. I will be your home._

He stepped towards her, taking hold of her hands and kissing her on the forehead. She closed her eyes savouring the touch for one last time then turned away from him and let herself out of the room, shutting the door behind her.

****

Later that day at the church Henrik watched as she made her way down the aisle, her arm linked through her father's arm. 

 He should never has made love to her; it was wrong.  It was cruel to give her hope but his desire for her had taken over and he couldn’t stop himself.  He would punish himself for it later.  

 Henrik knew Roxanna MacMillan better than she knew herself.  He knew what she was really thinking.  He knew she loved him and that she was desperate for him to fight for her. She wanted him to scoop her up in his arms and tell her they would spend the rest of their lives together.  But he couldn’t. 

Just as David was intoxicating with his zest for life, Henrik was toxic with his ambivalence for it.  Roxanna MacMillan was worth more than that. She deserved more than that. He would only drag her down into the darkness that he couldn’t escape from.  No. It was better this way.  She would thrive with David. Henrik would look on from afar, and although he would be forever left with this gaping wound in his heart, it would be soothed by the knowledge that he had saved her from himself.

She didn't look at Henrik as she walked past him and he kept himself at a distance. He was right he thought, she did make the most beautiful bride.


End file.
